I wanted to write about what I’m leaving behind in 2017 to finish out the year, but I didn’t know how to start.
It’s fresh and painful and not entirely my story to tell. So many women have lived this life, and I can’t speak for them. It may be bigger in their lives. It may be smaller.
In mine it’s been earth shattering.
So I kept staring at the empty page and seeing nothing.
And that about sums it up.
There’s been nothing left.
I haven’t written in a while, and I didn’t know how to carry on without writing about why. So I decided to write my story of loss the way I write everything else – focusing on how it looked for me. I can only tell my side.
With the new year approaching I wanted to burn sage, clear my soul, and be free to move forward.
So here we are.
Loss for me has looked like death running down my inner thighs for the third time in my life.
Waking up to blood soaking through my sheets and into the holes in my soul.
My dreams washing down the shower drain.
The sound of my own thoughts spiralling around and around my brain until they come screaming out at full volume because the person who is supposed to be listening is long gone. Wasn’t really there in the first place.
Losing my mind along with my heart.
For a woman with stage 4 endometriosis to end up in this situation unintentionally (while actually trying to avoid it) three times is something short of a miracle.
Part of my fear of talking about it was trying to explain how that happens, but here’s the truth. I have no bloody idea.
And I’ve cried and begged to know why until my throat was raw. Because it didn’t seem fair. Why give me what I thought I couldn’t have just to take it away again?
Was the universe trying to drive me insane?
But eventually I ran out of anger and that’s when I found the nothingness. And an answer along with it.
When your soul feels like it’s bled out of you, and the world has turned its back, there’s a kind of silence.
Pure quiet in the deepest reach of the dark place.
And somehow there I’m finding a silver lining and healing. Responsibility. Learning to let go. And the great oneness of the universe.
A new peace.
Let go of blame that shit will never serve me – Nahko
When we take responsibility for where we’ve found ourselves we can truly step into our power. Because true power cannot be given or taken away. It is our birth right.
Those who have harmed you, and when you have harmed yourself, it’s not important.
The important part is in the healing. Let go. The universe takes you where it will.
I’m learning to trust. And it’s this I carry in to the new year.
With the spirits I carried flying behind me. Holding the strings of hope I tried to cut.
All love, always.
Om Namah Shivaya.
Thy will be done 🙏🏼